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| Do I need a spiritual log? I am not sure, but it seems that God tells me my life is really fragmented without something like this. And I have no memory of where I am up to on this spiritual path.
I feel like my spiritual life is shattered. I can't love or trust anyone. Things go wrong with the people around me. And I get emotional. The last thing I did is shut up.
When I realize how volatile I am, I also realize how volatile people are. They keep changing.The way they see things. The way they treat you. And I think God is revealing this to me: People are volatile because they don't feel safe.
The pastor. My church brother. My parent. My aunt. My girl. All are changing. Changes seem like a sign manifesting the lack of security. But the fact is, God does not change.
So why we the mortals aren't like Him who does not change? Is it that we have not realized that the nature of God is also something we need to possess, and that our volatility is a manifestation of sin?
God does not change. That seems to be where our hope lies. His solidity seems to be where our faith may anchor.
Now, my emotions. Should I be more even-tempered? I know my temper arises from sensing the volatility of people, and that frustration overcame me.
I am to live a life Jesus lived. so I am to react to the surroundings more sensibly. No one, nothing at all, should steer me to a different course, when the Truth is what I am to hold to. I have myself in God's hand, and not to give myself away to anyone or anything.
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That news shocks to me. It wakes you. Or at least it makes you think. We human beings tend to be aggressive during our life-time, without consciously knowing the fact that nothing is worth all the effort unless you have your health. But we are kind of blurred by that illusion that health could last, or it could be how it always be, as it has clearly been the way it is. But a report shatters everything. All achievements, all pride and humiliation, joy and sorrow, struggle and victory, love and hatred – they are gone like everything else, like water running into the sea that never returns. A disease announces the terminus ahead. It prepares you to a stop. It is a horn in a battle, signaling a withdrawal – as even if you don’t feel like pulling off, whatever you have done will perish, and so will you. You will become history. However bad the situation could be, relationship is the thing that last. Love is the word that goes with relationship. That’s why love is the greatest of all. | | |
| TO MY BELOVED STUDENT
Hi Lisa,
I have my weakness too. I get extremely forgetful when workload overwhelms me. And this is one of the examples here you have shown my forgetfulness. I am weak too, Lydia, and my weakness could be like a dagger that really hurts people, especially when you are at this position of a teacher, kind of a head over a class. So you can see this is always true that a leading figure has to purify himself as far as he can because his position magnifies his weakness which would not have been so harmful to others if it had not been for his position. Look at all those figures in the administration and you will see this is true. So sorry, Lydia, for my forgetfulness of sending you a note, and I may probably have hurt your feeling too. I didn't know you all needed not come back to school yesterday. Alan wanted to do his second SBA this Monday and I believed you all would be at school. I should have asked and listened to your feedback. But I didn't. Sometimes when you hurry to finish something, you ignore people's feelings. And I did. I appreciate your ability, Lydia, and your character, being consciencious in your work and strife for the best in whatever you do. As a language teacher, I can tell you that your langauge is one of the best here in class. I believe your being scolded these days wakes you a bit. My word for it is not that this perfectionism is to be blamed but time management, efficiency and effectiveness are to be more highly valued and carefully considered, as far as exam is concerned. Exam is like a game. All you need to do is to follow the rules. Finish the game within limited time and people evaluate your achievement. That's all. Ironically, they don't care how good you are beyond what exam covers. Personally, I care more about your real performance. I mean what I say. You could be a great writer, or a great teacher in the future! but what a pity you need to excel in this coming cert-exam before your dream comes true. So my advice is play along with this game, just for these few years...just for these few years...and you can move on in your pursuit! God bless you, Lydia, with all your talents and abilities. Never get stuck in people's comments. Strengthen yourself in Him. Have a clear mind. Get focused. Move on.
You can email me your argumentative writing during summer. I can send you back my feedback. As for the expository, just leave it. Take care.
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Dear Veron,
Well, Veron. I can almost feel the sadness you are now in.
What a pity you are already like experiencing the real world. Well, this is the real world. Sometimes, being told a lot of slanders is not a bad thing. The reason why you are told so many things is, as you said, you are trustworthy among all parties - parties here means different groups of people holding different views. Somehow when you are at this special position you can have a clearer view than any other one to be more objective. I fully understand it could a trouble to you, not being able to take any sides, but this is you, Veron, this is the real you, not trying to take sides and want to be yourself. It is because you have this character that you have become a listener to all sides. This character of yours is good, Veron, at least when you still have no opinion about the matters concerned. When you are a listener, you could be a mediator - a comforter to those who complain, a counsellor who directs others' thoughts and bring them back to the right track of thinking. Thank God, you are given such an honorary position!
Be not afraid to take up this position, Veron. I can perceive that in the course of your life, there may be a lot of people needing your guidance. Of course at this age of yours you may just listen, but some years later you may be able to give remarks...well, this is just my extrapolation - I am no God. But one thing I am pretty sure - stand firm. Be yourself even when others are trying to grab you to their sides. Don't take sides unless you are sure about that.
As for your friends, well, keep going ahead, Veron. This is what I can say. Chin up. Cheer up. It's hard to understand why Paul kept encouraging us to rejoice. It seems, however, to rejoice is the only way to go and probably you and I will acquire full understanding when we are at the finishing line. I myself have to learn to rejoice too, which is something still too far for me to grasp.
Life is full of bitterness. I start to realize this is no joke. We always hear people saying this and we never truly understand. My leaving the school is a signal saying I cannot bear that kind of bitterness anymore. But somehow I undertsand my act will never bring me to any better place. I have to confess there's no utopia in this world, but honestly I seem to be still searching one...well, when one day I am in total despair and I fully give up my dream, I may start to know more of the truth and why Paul kept asking us to rejoice. It's truly a battle in my mind, and even in my flesh.
Veron, keep it up. God be the light on your way. May God protect you and let you feel his love all the time. We still have a long way to go, but God is always there for you.
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Hard it is to comprehend the mystery of life, despite that it is something every living being owns. It's a kind of boredom in its most desperate form when it is defined as the way time goes tic-toc-tic-toc. It itself is a despair if it is regarded merely as a kind of physical -- or even spiritual -- existence in this physical world.
The irony, and also the very sorrow, is that all these physical -- or spiritual -- beings are having pursuits of their own throughout their lifetime, apparently attempting to get something and go meet some sort of targets of their own -- but actually getting nothing and going nowhere -- even when they know they will all perish one day. They invest all energy. They spend all their time. They look for those once-in-a-lifetime chances. They do all sorts of things to reach their ultimate goals without realizing the last days of their lives are sneaking in. Only when it comes to the last minutes do they halt for a second and ask, "What am I doing?" Like life, love and relationship are something non-measurable and even indefinable, but their existence, like their naming, is so compellingly real that no one can deny, and the rules of the game of life that goes with love and relationship are so consistent throughout time that no one should defy. Nevertheless, more and more in this world define life in its measurable yet superficial terms -- money, fame, status, survival skills. Fewer and few take notice of the indefinable aspects of life -- the quality of life itself that may help give a better definition of what life truly is.
As such, life, something every living being possesses, is still a mystery, and has become an even more mysterious mystery in the world today. | | |
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